Spirit of Mumbai

On July 13, at 6:30PM, three bombs went off in Mumbai--including one within earshot of my house.

A sad but true component of the Mumbai experience is being in the city during a terrorist attack. Since the 1993, there have been 8 attacks in the city with the most gruesome one being the 26/11 attacks in South Bombay in '08.

• Our entire office was on lock-down as we tried to ascertain when it'd be safe to leave
• Rumors of 4 more bombs swirled
• Cell phones were jammed for hours
• Co-workers traded war stories of where they were during the last attacks (26/11)

Everyone seemed to know what to do--life forged ahead that night and the day after. The indomitable Spirit of Mumbai.

The sadder underbelly of this story as observed by the New Yorker--something many are too timid to say--The Mumbai Spirit is really Epic Apathy. Part of the "chalta hai" attitude of India.

Another attack, another score dead, the same empty verbalization from politicians. Life goes on. Is real change possible? I sure hope so, only wish I knew how.

What India Needs (Part I of New Series): Oprah

Before y'all start whining about what India needs is lower corruption, less pollution, better food security, better law enforcement, wah wah wah--lemme drop some wisdom on you: this is an extremely serious blog, so I'll only focus on vital issues, e.g. lack of below-pictured talk-show hosts.




The Case for Oprah--an Open Letter to Her Holiness, Oprah Winfrey

(1) Unmet Need
Indian TV = soap operas + rags-to-riches reality competitions; so the primary TV watching demographic is housewives and the unemployed. No talk-show guru is dishing for the bored masses right now

(2) Oh, Le Scandal
For our love of tawdry scandals, check out any Mid-Day headline (From today: Puneites open to idea of their own 'SlutWalk', Husband murders wife over alleged affair, TV actors in a drunken ruckus)

(3) "New Age" BS
In the birthplace of yoga and ayurveda, we don't trust all this fast curing "Western" medicine--f*ck penicillin, get me some turmeric powder.

(4) Free Sh*t
"Buy one, get um...something free" is the Unilever motto in India. We love getting something for nothing. And Oprah, we could use some free cars in the monsoon.


So, Oprah, now that you're retired in the US. India needs you and guess what, it makes good business sense too.

Why I'm raising a child

A fundamental responsibility of a parent is to raise children to be productive, responsible future global citizens.

Interactions with my personal trainer (who is kick-ass and awesome in every way) often make me feel like a parent, some choice examples:

(1) I teach him how to speak (English)
-To be fair, he's was always terribly good at nodding and smiling at all the right places

(2) I buy him apparel
- Got him new shoes from LA so he could work out better

(3) I teach him how to behave (this one merits a story)


{ Context: We're chit-chatting during our session and watching Game 5 of NBA finals }

Me: You know these ball-players get a lot of action*
Trainer: Really? {Looks surprised}
Me: Yeah dude, they're famous, rich athletes.
Trainer: Even the black ones?
Me: Errm yes, of course {Cringe Threat Level Yellow}
Trainer: They get white chicks?
Me: Uhhh, yes {Cringe Threat Level Orange}
Trainer: But they're so ugly**
Me: {Cringe Threat Level Mega, Crimson Red}
: Uhhhhhh
: Rahul***, you just can't say stuff like that



* Okay, at this point, please ignore the child analogy, lest it get creepier
** Actual, colorful description used has been modified to protect innocent ears
*** Name changed to protect the not-so-innocent perpetrator

Bombay Bucketlist

My philosophy on the sights of a city: Live like a resident, Leave like a tourist. For example, I lived in Paris for 3 months, but went to Eiffel tour only in the last week.

Thus far, after almost 2 years in Bombay, I've done nothing that I'm "supposed" to do here. Well, I am also not 100% sure what I'm supposed to have done. Inspired by another friend, I'm starting a Bombay Bucketlist--things I need to see/do before I leave Bombay.



(1) Haji Ali Mosque at Sun set
-- Bonus pts: Drinking juice at the Haji Ali Juice Center

(2) Mahalaxmi Temple
-- Bonus pts: Shaving my head at the temple

(3) Bollywood set
--Bonus pts: Catch a famous actress dancing for a song number

(4) Trip on a Local train
--Bonus pts: Go on the cheapest ticket
--Double Bonus pts: Go during rush hour

(5) Dhobi Ghat
--Bonus pts: Persuade one of the dhobis to let you watch some clothes (poidh)


That's what I've got so far. Please help me round out the list or add more bonus points with comments/emails. Thank you!

4 Types of Passengers on a Transcontinental Flight from India

As my repat/expat journey is coming to a long hiatus (at least 2 years) in about 2 months, wanted to revive the blog for some final, hopefully amusing observations.

Below is obviously a gross generalization but it effectively summarizes every flight I've taken from India to Europe/US.



(1) Hippie Tourist

• Key Markers: T-shirt, poor hair hygiene, lonely planet guide
  
• Preferred Language: Finnish, Croatian, Romanian--the more esoterically European, the better
  
• Final Destination: Finland, Croatia, Romania--to plan the next 'adventure'

(2) Indian Family

• Key Markers: Backpacks, loud children, food in tupperware
• Preferred Language: Indian English with a touch of Hindi
• Final Destination: New Jersey

(3) Traveler with Sketchy Visa

• Key Markers: Leather jacket, coconut oil in hair
  
• Preferred Language: Gujarati
• Final Destination: Queens/Southall/Chicago to "study"

(4) Business Traveler

• Key Markers: Blackberry, iphone, ipad, business class boarding pass, cuff-links
  
• Preferred Language: "Why are you talking to me?"
• Final Destination: New York/London/Frankfurt

The Holy War aka Ind-Pak World Cup Match

After a long hiatus, I return to blogging to talk about a monumental event about to take place today.

A modern Indian saying goes, "Cricket is my religion. Sachin is my god." Extending the analogy, the World Cup is the holy grail. And today is the seminal crusade to overcome the infidels. It's the World Cup India-Pakistan Semi-Final.

This is the first time the world's largest cricket country and the world's evilest cricket country (kidding! sort of) are duking it out at the World Cup in 15 years.

The sheer magnitude of the event is hard to capture in words. But will try with some choice examples:

1) Indian government: "Alrighty y'all, today's an official bank holiday so all y'all can watch the big game"
2) Cab driver: "Why are you going to the office today? Don't you know that there's an India-Pakistan match?"
3) TV: At the gym, every single screen at the gym on different channel with "pre-match" coverage starting at 8am for a match at 2:30pm


After # 2, lest you all worry, I will be watching the epic match. Will leave with an oft-repeated by entirely-appropriate cliche: Jai Ho India!

The Culinary Canary

Generally, my posts follow the format of an experience followed by some hilarious or not-so-hilarious observations. Today, I'm going a different route. First of a new series, I'm going to use the blog to to introduce new concepts. Today's concept is the "Culinary Canary."



Three points of context:

1) As some of you may know, I like to style myself a foodie. (whether I fit the mold or not, you be the judge). Food is always on my mind. I have standards for what goes into my stomach but at the same, am relatively adventurous when it comes to cuisine (see this post).

2) On the subject of food in India, we all know the less pleasant concept of Delhi Belly. Whenever, new people move to Bombay. A group of unmentioned friends and I take bets on how long before they get Delhi Belly. The most recent import in our social circle, lasted 16 days--not bad!

3) Given this high beta and risk associated with quality food, many expats and repats in Bombay are averse try restaurants that cost less than $40 a person.

Definition:
Culinary Canary: a foodie in a group of expatriates who functions as the initial tester of quality food at questionable local restaurants. If aforementioned person survives without incident (e.g. food poisoning, stomach flu), then the rest of the group proceeds to attend the restaurant the following week/month. See also canary in a coal mine.

Guess who the culinary canary of my group of friends is?

Gymming in Bombay

I have finally joined a gym in Bombay. Yes, this is longest since high school that I haven't had access to a proper gym.

I'm now a member of Gold's Gym on Napean Sea Rd--despite it's name and dubious international pedigree is apparently one of the nicest gyms in all of Mumbai. And no, despite the hype, it's no Equinox on Park Ave.

Expectedly, gymming in India (a country with a complicated fitness relationship) has brought with it some pleasant/unpleasant surprises. Here they go:

1) My gym has a DJ.

Let's let that one sink in for a second. Ok, now. India has always had a strong relationship with music and dancing (see any bollywood movie). We are a loud and proud country. The Gym DJ is good but the beats he mixes are so raucous, no iPod has any chance of triumph.

2) Lots of helpful signs


At first, I thought, is that sign really necessary? Then I walked to the stretching area. Yes, it's most definitely necessary.

3) People who walk on treadmills

Especially when I'm at the gym in the evening, 90% of the treadmills are being by used by people who are walking on them 100% of the time. I don't get it. Have these people forgotten the fact that it is actually possible for human beings to walk outside--not particularly stressful or dangerous as compared to running outside I have been told.


Anyway, let's see how this MWF 8am training routine is going to go. Wish me luck!

White Christmas in India

This (now past) year, I got to experience a truly white Christmas in India (to be fair, I fled India during the season in 2009). Clearly, I'm not talking about the snow. December/Jan is wedding season in India! Actually, though I'm not talking about the resplendent brides in white dresses/saris (see example below).


I'm talking about the overwhelming number of foreigners (mostly white) that visit India during this season. The reasons to visit are 4-fold:

1) Aforementioned wedding season
2) Weather in most of India is ideal in Dec/Jan
3) Vacation time in US/Europe
4) "Exotic" Emerging Markets Business School/College Trips


So, thank you for all the friends that visited me this season. Hope you had a great time in India. Enjoyed hanging out with all of you!

The Indian Head Bob

Ok, I've decided to come out of blogging retirement to address a dire, rapidly growing problem...

I have recently had a few friends visit who have picked up that I've become 'very' Indian -- speaking in Belhi English and using Indian inflection/intonation. Most importantly, they claimed I have picked up the Indian bob (the head movement, not the hair cut).

The Indian bob has been getting a lot of air time lately, Conan's Amex commercial, the Indians in 90 Seconds video (below), and NBC's ill-conceived sitcom 'Outsourced' which I had the recent misfortune of watching.

If 1 billion people used the exact same expression for 'Yes' and 'No,' I doubt the country could function. So clearly, the 'Yes' bob and the 'No' bob are different. Here's an idiot's guide on how to spot it:


1) Watch the Face: 'No' bob expected has a strong negative expression (e.g. squinted brow)

2) Watch the Speed: 'No' bob is the 'Yes' bob's must faster, jittery, ADHD brother

3) Don't forget the context: Did you ask question that should definitely be answered with a 'Yes'? Or 'No'? If so, why did you ask this question? You're gonna get punished with a wrong/ambiguous answer. You deserve it though.

Blogsistential Crisis : Good Bye Repat Journey, Hello New Home

When does a journey become a commute? It's been over a year since I moved to Mumbai. Things continue to strike me here and yet there's an odd feeling of comfort and home. Despite the constant travel and stimulating experiences, life now has a routine.

Simultaneously, I have fallen into crisis over the purpose of this blog. A hundred posts about my life is plenty. Even for me, this sort of narcissism is becoming too bothersome to maintain. Henceforth, I am suspending my blogging campaign after this post.

A quick recap of the blog pre-crisis:

I might consider resuming intermittently if some strikes my fancy. In the meantime, feel free to check out some of other favorite recollections of expat experiences in Mumbai:

* My friend AR's wonderful, richly narrative blog called 'Bagels and Lakhs' about her life after to India from New York and founding a non-profit here
* Another friend, Thane Richard's equally circumspect blog called 'Indians and Cowboys'
* And just for fun, twitter feed I ran across recently called 'Bombay Expat Says Wha.' It's not very active yet, but I'm hoping the writers will find more good material soon.


Thanks for taking the time to read over this past year. I have really appreciated sharing this experience with you all.

Obama Jhama

Jhama, a Hindi word roughly translated as hullabaloo, accurately describes the current state of the Mumbai municipal and security authorities on the eve of President Obama's visit to India.

Obama is renting out the entire Taj Mahal hotel and attending meetings at NCPA and the Oberoi (see schedule). As you might remember, the Taj and Oberoi were two major sites of the gruesome terrorist attacks on Nov 26, 2008. Hence, the city is under extra lockdown during the visit, some measures include -

* The low seas around South Mumbai guarded by US naval ships
* All foreigners residing in hotels in South Bombay interviewed and documented
* Road closures, suspension of liquor permits and general prevention of crowds over the weekend
* Obama's traveling in 'Cadillac One' --an armored, missile proof car

Granted, needing my Indian city to be guarded by American battleships is a little embarrassing. But I think it would be infinitely more embarrassing if something were to happen to during Obama's visit that would make the CWG preparations look like a grand success.

What are people saying?
The visit has drawn mix feelings from the civilian population. For example, the Taj junior staff has been from the hotel for the visit. Some staff are disappointed they are not able to serve the US president, while others are ecstatic about a rare 4-day vacation coinciding with Diwali (India's closest equivalent to Christmas).

How do I feel about it?
As a good American citizen, I should attend panels/public events involving the President, but as an experienced former Indian citizen, I'm fleeing the city in anticipation of the crippling seizure to the city to be dealt by the visit. Watch for a "Goa Redux" post!

Boy Who Cried Tiger!

India, home to ~3,700 tigers in the 1990s, now has only ~1,400. Hence, the Save the Tiger campaign, helped by facebook and twitter has gained signifcant traction in recent times. I figured before I do something more than pressing the 'like' button, I should at least check out the beast in its natural Indian habitat.

Where to go to see a tiger? The full list of tiger sanctuaries in India can help you narrow down to the locations that are best maintained with the highest tiger density. We didn't do that. We just went to the most famous sounding park. Off to Ranthambore!

After a flight to Jaipur and 4 hour car ride from there, we arrive at our "mid-end" hotel. In an area where the nice hotels go for >$800 a night, you can only imagine what our mid-end resort cost.

All that money and effort later, we would have surely seen some tigers, right? Wrong.

After 3 safaris, I gave up and went to the spa at our resort--which incidentally had gorgeous rooms, and delicious, organic, vegetarian, locavore cuisine.

The more interesting story was of my travel partners who persisted and went on a 4th safari. Every single jeep on their route that morning saw a tiger except theirs. Guess, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

I should have known that given the celebrity profile of our destination, we had a better shot at spotting below Tiger.

Weekend of Culture in Bombay

Something's dramatically changed with Bombay. Or maybe it's just the monsoon ending. Whereas I typically bemoan the lack of alternative activities in Bombay, this weekend was jam-packed with them. Some quick highlights:

1) Washoku Japanese Food Festival
* Bombay's prestigious Institute of Hotel Management's 4th annual Japanese food festival gets an 'A' for effort but a 'F' for execution.
* In the immortal words of one of my friends, "they even screwed up potato tempura. This requires extraordinary talent."



2) MAMI: Mumbai Film Festival
* 12th annual festival had some fantastic movies on the list from Colombia, Belgium, China, Japan, Italy, Canada etc.
* The event was so poorly managed--the first night's screening led to a stampeded with some severe injuries
* We couldn't even get ourselves registered despite traveling 1.5 hrs for it



3) The Art Conspiracy Music Festival

* Alternative and electic musicians performed at various restaurant venues in Bandra.
* Finale was a thoroughly entertaining dance performance with capoiera, swing, asian break dancing as well as some vaudeville thrown-in.




Oh well, 1 out of 3 ain't bad! And the Mami is on-going so maybe worth another shot.

Goa: Mumbai's Miami

Goa's at a distance where it's not quite Mumbai's Hamptons. Once you're off the plane though, it feels like any other urban proximal get-away.

Given its prominent position in Mumbai culture, it's surprising that my first trip to Goa only recently. Since it's beach resort town, so I'll limit observations to non-beach activities.* Here goes the usual: good, bad and downright bizarre.

1) The Food
Amazing blend of North and South Indian food with a coastal twist, see here.

2) The transport
For a little vacation place, Goa is notoriously difficult to get around. Getting anywhere can take what feels like an eternity on the small, windy roads (albeit the view is not so bad).



3) The Russians
It's easy to mistake Goa Beach for Brighton Beach. More flights from Russia to Goa than any other location. Haven't done the math, but Goa maybe the closest warm beach from southern siberia. Notice the bookshelf at the reading room of our Taj:



*So, um, yeah, I didn't go to the beach in Goa. But there's always next time!

The Good Indian Wife

Despite many advances in India--including quotas for women in the parliament and a female President--women's empowerment here is often sorely lacking.

Case in Point, Prabhu Deva (famous South Indian actor) and his wife: Prabhu Deva is cheating on his wife and refuses to stop.

What's a good Indian wife to do?
No, the answer is not opt for a divorce. The answer is clearly to go on a public hunger strike and burn pictures of the mistress in street protests. Yup, that sounds about right.

Super difficult quiz: which photo below features Prabhu Deva's wife and which one features his mistress?

Not sure if it's the social pressure--how could it be more honorable to be cuckqueaned than divorced? May be the fundamental problem is the legal system.

If divorce (with alimony and child support) were easier, many married women would be much happier. Just like my theory that if suing businesses were easier, customer service would drastically improve in this country.

Common Wealth Games: The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

Oh the Common Wealth Games. Where to even begin? Let's start with reverse order of the post title cliche with a couple of bonuses.

The Ugly
* Copious debris and waste at games village
* Dog and human feces in athletes rooms at unexpected places

The Bad
* Shoddy construction (e.g. pedestrian bridge collapsing, ceiling tiles falling)
* Lax security standards
* Massive graft (e.g >1000% cost over-run, $80 toilet paper rolls)

The Good
* Despite all the hiccups, the opening ceremony was quite well-received

The Awesome
* India hires 38 langur monkeys to guard the games village and stadia. This is pretty sweet (full article here)

The Stupid
Why would Indian authorities offer to host an event with very little upside if a success but enormous embarrassment if a failure? When was the last time anyone heard of or watched the Common Wealth Games? Doesn't India alone account for some 80% of the Common Wealth's collective population anyway? India's disastrous organization has given the games more publicity than anything else in the games' history.

*****

Separately, apologies for the dearth of posts lately. Many of you know the reasons why. I'll be more in full force by end of this week!

The low-speed chase

When I originally heard this idea at a Bombay comedy show (article by a friend on CNN here), I thought it was an exaggeration.


Setting:
Crowded Bombay Street

Key players:
1) Traffic cop with 'lati' (a baton) --no vehicle, no weapon
2) Rule-breaking driver

Goal:
Cop must apprehend rule-breaking driver

Path:
He's going to run over there and threaten with a baton? What?


If a driver tries to evade the police, they are literally in a low-speed chase after the driver on-foot in Bombay traffic. I didn't believe it until I actually had the good fortune of witnessing such an incident recently. It's amazing to see the Bombay traffic police at work.

Apparently, somehow the anarchy is aiding and abetting the police. Keep-up the "good work" guys!

Football-- Yes, the "American" kind

Few sports are more despised by the Mumbai intelligentsia than "American Fooball." Frequent complaints:

1) Why is it called "football"--they barely even use their feet
2) Why are there so many rules?
3) This is a contact sport? Have you seen rugby?

All of these valid complaints and I can think of an equal number of idiocyncracies in Soccer or Cricket but it hasn't stopped me from enjoying the IPL or the World Cup.

Not sure if it's the unshakable Anglophilia or a new-found Amerophobia, but NFL matches are some of the hardest games to find India:

* Only TV source is some Army network broadcast to the US embassy (no bars, not even a satellite connection will help)
* Internet methods of watching a live game (NFL subscription or Slingbox) are underwhelming given the bandwidth limitations here

It's bad enough that at a 4:15PM kickoff is a 1:45AM kickoff in Bombay. India, why are you conspiring to make the Packers even more difficult to watch?

If anyone knows any practical solutions, please help. Thank you!

Bombay Street Meat: Mohammed Ali Road

I'm about reach actualization as a repat: now that I've already started drinking local--albeit UV filtered--water and last weekend, I decided to try street food in Mumbai.

Where: Mohammed Ali Road (heart of old, Muslim Bombay)
When: Saturday night during Ramadan (or more beautifully rendered, Ramzan, in Urdu)
Wtf: See image below

The fasts of Ramzan days lead to the glorious feasts of the eve. M. Ali Road--'the street that never sleeps'--is particularly alive and buzzing on Ramzan nights. While I often feel like a tourist in Bombay, it was clear today even my resident Mumbaiker friends were feeling touristy in this part of town. To paraphrase one of them during our meal, "even your driver wouldn't eat what you're eating right now." Some highlights from the trip:

1) Absurd cheapness of food available
- Entire meal with meat was possible for under 50 cents (Rs 20)
- One exception, however, was being upsold on some 'Bombay pheasant' which cost $6

2) Lesson in goat anatomy through consumption of following:
- Brain
- Kidney
- Liver
- Bone marrow

3) Discovery of Indian tissues

Me: Do you have a tissue or napkin?
Vendor: I have Indian tissue
Me: What?
[Vendor hands me a piece of old newspaper]

Sadly, however, the food was less than amazing despite the amount of dirt and grease involved. Perhaps we went to the wrong places. Never fear, given that I have survived this trip in one piece, I'm definitely willing to give M. Ali Road another shot!