What India Needs (Part I of New Series): Oprah

Before y'all start whining about what India needs is lower corruption, less pollution, better food security, better law enforcement, wah wah wah--lemme drop some wisdom on you: this is an extremely serious blog, so I'll only focus on vital issues, e.g. lack of below-pictured talk-show hosts.




The Case for Oprah--an Open Letter to Her Holiness, Oprah Winfrey

(1) Unmet Need
Indian TV = soap operas + rags-to-riches reality competitions; so the primary TV watching demographic is housewives and the unemployed. No talk-show guru is dishing for the bored masses right now

(2) Oh, Le Scandal
For our love of tawdry scandals, check out any Mid-Day headline (From today: Puneites open to idea of their own 'SlutWalk', Husband murders wife over alleged affair, TV actors in a drunken ruckus)

(3) "New Age" BS
In the birthplace of yoga and ayurveda, we don't trust all this fast curing "Western" medicine--f*ck penicillin, get me some turmeric powder.

(4) Free Sh*t
"Buy one, get um...something free" is the Unilever motto in India. We love getting something for nothing. And Oprah, we could use some free cars in the monsoon.


So, Oprah, now that you're retired in the US. India needs you and guess what, it makes good business sense too.

Why I'm raising a child

A fundamental responsibility of a parent is to raise children to be productive, responsible future global citizens.

Interactions with my personal trainer (who is kick-ass and awesome in every way) often make me feel like a parent, some choice examples:

(1) I teach him how to speak (English)
-To be fair, he's was always terribly good at nodding and smiling at all the right places

(2) I buy him apparel
- Got him new shoes from LA so he could work out better

(3) I teach him how to behave (this one merits a story)


{ Context: We're chit-chatting during our session and watching Game 5 of NBA finals }

Me: You know these ball-players get a lot of action*
Trainer: Really? {Looks surprised}
Me: Yeah dude, they're famous, rich athletes.
Trainer: Even the black ones?
Me: Errm yes, of course {Cringe Threat Level Yellow}
Trainer: They get white chicks?
Me: Uhhh, yes {Cringe Threat Level Orange}
Trainer: But they're so ugly**
Me: {Cringe Threat Level Mega, Crimson Red}
: Uhhhhhh
: Rahul***, you just can't say stuff like that



* Okay, at this point, please ignore the child analogy, lest it get creepier
** Actual, colorful description used has been modified to protect innocent ears
*** Name changed to protect the not-so-innocent perpetrator

Bombay Bucketlist

My philosophy on the sights of a city: Live like a resident, Leave like a tourist. For example, I lived in Paris for 3 months, but went to Eiffel tour only in the last week.

Thus far, after almost 2 years in Bombay, I've done nothing that I'm "supposed" to do here. Well, I am also not 100% sure what I'm supposed to have done. Inspired by another friend, I'm starting a Bombay Bucketlist--things I need to see/do before I leave Bombay.



(1) Haji Ali Mosque at Sun set
-- Bonus pts: Drinking juice at the Haji Ali Juice Center

(2) Mahalaxmi Temple
-- Bonus pts: Shaving my head at the temple

(3) Bollywood set
--Bonus pts: Catch a famous actress dancing for a song number

(4) Trip on a Local train
--Bonus pts: Go on the cheapest ticket
--Double Bonus pts: Go during rush hour

(5) Dhobi Ghat
--Bonus pts: Persuade one of the dhobis to let you watch some clothes (poidh)


That's what I've got so far. Please help me round out the list or add more bonus points with comments/emails. Thank you!

4 Types of Passengers on a Transcontinental Flight from India

As my repat/expat journey is coming to a long hiatus (at least 2 years) in about 2 months, wanted to revive the blog for some final, hopefully amusing observations.

Below is obviously a gross generalization but it effectively summarizes every flight I've taken from India to Europe/US.



(1) Hippie Tourist

• Key Markers: T-shirt, poor hair hygiene, lonely planet guide
  
• Preferred Language: Finnish, Croatian, Romanian--the more esoterically European, the better
  
• Final Destination: Finland, Croatia, Romania--to plan the next 'adventure'

(2) Indian Family

• Key Markers: Backpacks, loud children, food in tupperware
• Preferred Language: Indian English with a touch of Hindi
• Final Destination: New Jersey

(3) Traveler with Sketchy Visa

• Key Markers: Leather jacket, coconut oil in hair
  
• Preferred Language: Gujarati
• Final Destination: Queens/Southall/Chicago to "study"

(4) Business Traveler

• Key Markers: Blackberry, iphone, ipad, business class boarding pass, cuff-links
  
• Preferred Language: "Why are you talking to me?"
• Final Destination: New York/London/Frankfurt